NUMERO DOS CIENTO

Hi internet! Been awhile know. Sorry I keep abandoning you. Since we last spoke - I went to aus and the uk then to las vegas and now I Am in Jamaica with my new boyfriend and things have already gotten pretty serious. it absolutely gorgeous here and kev very sweet and gentle but also rough and rugged not to mention devilishly handsome which is pretty much the best combination I could ask for in a man. I wish him to stick around for along time to come.

After this it is back to NYC for me. I have decided ill be there until my 26th birthday bash in january!

Bye for now!

open mic and awkward conversation

hi internet-

last night i did an open mic night at ohanlons bar with hector luis and i loved it, it was basically all comics watching comics but itwas still very supportive, we went out to grab some food after andall the boys sat down and I was still up getting food and I saw this guy looking my direction so i said:

"Hi"

"By Yourself?"

"No, I have that whole table of guys over there *gestures in the general direction of the guys*

"I said 'Hi yourself'"

anyway, this is where i'll be tonight

Laughing Buddha Mic
Broadway Comedy Club
318 W. 53rd Str
New York, NY
Near 8th Ave
Map
5:45pm sign-up
5:45pm check-in for booked comics
6:00pm start
$5 for 5 mins, no drink minimum
Guest spot and prize drawings at the end 
Email Jeff Lawrence
to sign up
(212) 982-6363
Write your review (53)

you know i wish that i had jessie's girl..

this is where i'll be tonight

The Hump Day Mic With Hector Luis
O'Hanlon's Bar
349 E. 14th Str
New York, NY
Near 1st Ave
Map
6:00pm - 9:00pm
$5 for 6 mins
To sign up, visithectorluis.com
Walk-ins welcome
(time permitting)
(718) 753-2066

updating on the bus

Dear Readers,

I am updating this bus from the comfy public transportation called transbridge lines. I got on the bus in NYC and I'll be home in good old Pennsylvania in about an hour. I gotta say I don't know what I would do without public transportation as I don't drive. I could get my license again but now it requires me going to the doctor and getting a physical and that is just such a pain in the ass. I mean, what are they going to do, exactly? Are they going to sit me down and put my hands on ten and two and see if I can maintain position sitting up for long periods of time like that? I really have no idea.

Moving right along...

I signed up to do the Introduction Leaders Program again. And I can literally hear a couple of people who read this blog throwing up in their mouths right now in honor of this. But I don't care, I really don't. Last time I did this program, I got on National TV twice. So this time I'm putting on the line a comedy special on HBO and I intend to get it.

Some of you who don't know me or don't know that I go down to Landmark are going to wondering what the fuck i'm talking about so you can go to the website and check it out.

www.landmarkeducation.com

Anyway, this past weekend was the first weekend and I had such a great time. Before I got on the bus, I ate food with people from Toronto, well mostly I ate cake.

Speaking of Toronto - I am going to travel there this November whilst my dad is at a conference and explore the city for a couple of days.

And in December I am going to the Caribbean. What a life I lead.

three weeks away

I just got home after three weeks away and I am leaving again tomorrow back to nyc to do a stand up show at the grisly pear in the village. ah. life.

dating

i just had this conversation with this guy i'm seening

him: "what are we doing here?"

me: "you mean how serious are we?"

him: " well, i'm still seeing other people"

WHAT THE FUCK

does no one want to be in a relationship anymore?

what i like in bed

i'm just listening to the very best of curtis mayfield. god, i love motown music. i could listen to it all day. so if i ever send you a text that says 'listening to motown and thinking of you', that's a very good thing. means i actually like you. and i've probably thought a fair amount about us doing dirty things together.

as this post is titled 'what i like in bed' i thought i would elaborate on what i actually like in bed, because i don't know how much time i actually spend verbalizing these thoughts. i do a lot of thinking about them, but not a lot of sharing about them, so i thought i would just go ahead and cast a line out into the ethos and see what happens. because you never know in this life.

first things first. i'm a kinky little kinkster. i like to try new things and i love helping people fulfill their deepest, darkest fantasies. just let me know how i can assist you.

i LOVE being spanked. god do i love it.

i love being eaten out.

i love sucking dick

i love talking dirty

i am a switch, meaning i can be dominant or submissive. a little more on the dominant side of things though. i like role reversal, like i like calling you (assuming the 'you' reading this is a guy, 21 to 32, tall, and good looking) then i would like nothing more than to call you my little slut whore and to bend you over and fuck you in the ass with my strap on, grabbing your hips with my hands and thrusting you back and forth...

on the sub side i like to be tied up, handcuffed, blindfolded, told what to do, and generally being used as a 'plaything'

i like watching you jerk off. i like masturbating in front of you.

i have started to enjoy dressing up, lingerie, heels that type of thing. amazing shapes lingerie does to the body, i must say.

all right, that does it for this installment, as i'm thinking of writing a weekly entry about my sexploits, that is assuming that i get laid once a week. and i promise to be more vocal about what i like in bed. should make for a way more exciting sex life.

bert and ernie are not gay

I'm a little late on this, but about a week ago, it was reported in the news that bert and ernie, roommates on sesame street are not gay. Well, this is unfortunate, because I grew up watching sesame street and while I never pondered bert and ernie's sexuality during my tender tot years, my mother did point it out to me when I got older that she thought they were gay, and looking back at all their arguments, and their heart to hearts, heck, i think they even had bath time together, it's pretty clear to see that the signs are all there.

None of this really concerns me though, because my favorite will always be elmo, then cookie monster, who is now vegetable monster, and big bird. oh I just want to snuggle with big bird.

oxymoron

I'm sitting at my computer and listening to dance music, oxymoron?

Hello internet, my first submitted story got rejected, I spent some time crying over it.

I wrote some sweet new jokes.

Getting a haircut today, will post results.

Apologies for the short post, I have been so le tired lately. Don't know what's going on with me.

marcel the shell

the male review

attempting poetry

inside my mind sits
an electric web of fine
connectivity

trouble and tomfoolery
sisters in debauchery
rulers who run the night
wayward teenagers who search for the fight
frontal lobes still forming
at least they're not boring

attempting poetry

inside my mind sits
an electric web of fine
connectivity

trouble and tomfoolery
sisters in debauchery
rulers who run the night
wayward teenagers who search for the fight
frontal lobes still forming
at least they're not boring

reading james joyce is exhausting

"i think you're great, i think you're grand and i don't mind if you hold my hand" Sarah Vaughan - Don't look at me that way

last night, one of my friends asked me: "so, you getting any tonight?"

me: "no, definitely not getting any tonight"

friend: "aw, that's too bad"

me: "I'll just snuggle my teddy bear"

friend: :(

as you know people, i am currently single, and my teddy bear is getting a lot of snuggles. and i've been thinking lately, as i often do, about myself and they way i think (naturally).

for instance, i used to be totally cool with casual interludes. in fact, i preferred them, sought them out. didn't even matter if said partner in interlude had a girlfriend or a wife. it didn't even matter if i had a boyfriend or a husband. (i've never been married)

then, i realized i didn't want to be responsible for the emotional breakdown of said partner in interlude's current life partner, or the emotional breakdown of my current life partner so i stopped seeking out attached men, and only - to my knowledge - sought out fellow singletons.

this is because i was severely emotionally unavailable, but i told myself it was because i liked mystery.

and then, i don't know what happened. i'll have to do more pondering on this, but i stopped enjoying the mystery.

i became more emotionally available, and i listened to myself and now i'm in a spot where casual interludes don't appeal to me. it's strange though because i used to thrive on them. i actually did make sunday plans with a fellow interluder, but i cancelled it, i just can't go through with it.

as i made it clear at the beginning of this entry, i am single. even though i've lost interest in casually interluding, i also still think relationships are exhausting, much like reading james joyce is exhausting. so i'm confusing everyone, culminating in me experiencing men i'm interested in telling me they "just want to be friends" after we have awkward sex.

seems fitting, doesn't it?

and so it goes...

"but if i'm a pussy, then i guess i did my kegals"

my dream road test

i would turn gay for this girl.

i'll cut her head off and put it in a box

you tell me what you saw, and i'll tell you what you missed.

be warned this is going to be a rant-y post.

i don't understand why people want to be like other people. i'll always value uniqueness and forward thinking.

be yourself, god dammit. everyone else is taken.

and why spend time hating yourself? it's no use. you're the only you, you've got, so why put yourself down?

i'm sick of people telling me i need something to fall back on.

fuck that.

only live this life once, why would i want to spend it in contemplation of blowing my brains out at a job i hate?

do what YOU want to do, not what others expect of you.

if you have low self esteem DON'T TALK TO ME, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO YOU, EXCEPT SHUT THE FUCK UP.

/end rant.

blame it on the alcohol?

some of you, dear readers, my know, but probably none of you do, that i stopped drinking for a while. specifically march 2010 until june 2011, so a little over a year.

there are reasons (obviously) for this period of sobriety and they are as follows:

1. medication
2. cerebral palsy
3 getting very drunk and puking in a hot guys bed
4. getting very drunk before noon, taking a cab ride home that i don't have a memory of, arriving home, sitting on my bed, getting the "spins" and passing out

elaboration:

1. medication: i take it, and i just recently switched them, and this new one doesn't say in big bold letters DO NOT CONSUME ALCOHOL UNLESS YOU WANT TO CREATE DEFORMED OFFSPRING/DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH.

okay, so it only says the "do not consume alcohol" bit. but still, buzz kill. ( haha, double entendre)

2. cerebral palsy: I have it. and sometimes (all the time) i don't have the best coordination, and remember in school when the teachers all invited this big burly police officer over to the school auditorium for a presentation in which he called for a few volunteers to come up on stage and put on "drunk goggles" to see how well they could do simple tasks, ie stacking, sorting, etc?

well, i put those goggles on and i was all, I SEE LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME!

so yeah, it's kinda like that. so to counter this, i now drink one alcoholic beverage and then some water, repeat.

3. throwing up, hot guys bed: EMBARRASSING!

4. spins: not a fun time, rooms are not supposed to go in a circle, they are supposed to be stationary.

in closing, grab me a beer, will you?

this video makes me want to start drinking coffee regularly

wherein many things happened that i don't remember

happy independence/steal the homeland from the natives day. actually stealing the homeland was done a long while before that, back when we were still colonies, but it became "official" on today. actually not on today, july 2nd was when they signed the papers, so yeah. thank you howard zinn for setting me straight on that, no thank you public school system!

been doing a lot of socializing lately. i like it, the socializing. redundant much?

went to my grandfathers 93rd birthday today. saw my cousins two week old baby and didn't touch him. i'm baby phobic, and i would probably break him. his name is 'hunter' so naturally i'm expecting him to be able to hunt, kill, prepare and cook things by the time he's five. it's only a realistic expectation.

also went kayaking today, wherein i was reminded just how out of shape i am. further motivation to start the 'couch to 5k'. it's on my to do list.

also, i'm pretty sure i hate my sister and never want to speak to her again. details will bore you and will bring me down, just know she's a miserable cunt and i can't wait for her to leave for china for a year.

gonna go film a horror movie tomorrow wherein i will get to get eaten by ants and covered in fake blood. my kind of day.

doing laundry, too. being productive.

have been on a couple dates recently wherein my date did not contact me afterwards, whatever inflated ego i had going into these dates has now been diminished back down to its regular size.

like how many times i used wherein in this post?

yes, you did.

xo

...

no x, just o

...

okay, no o either.

awkward ending.

BlackBerry down

My BlackBerry's keypad has ceased to function, it won't respond to any touch. (which is not unlike me, as i'm frigid...)

So far i've gotten mostly emails, which can be checked online, which eliminates them from the alerts on my phone, and when i take the battery out and reboot the phone, i can see briefly how many messages i've got. last i checked it said there were six unread messages and five missed calls, and i've gotten one voicemail, which takes care of those notices, because they're only going to be five phone call notices and one voice mail notice, that means no one's texted me, which is good and bad, good that i'm not missing anything and bad that i'm unpopular it seems.

le sigh.

story time

It's almost four in the morning and I can't sleep, so I thought I would tell you a story.

A lot of my friends know that when I was 19, just about to turn 20, my mom kicked me out of the house. I came to NYC on a bus and so on and so forth and stayed for five years. Since then my mom and I have patched things up and I am now back living at the same house I was once thrown out of, life really does come full circle, doesn't it?

Thing is, I grew up in a very small town in Ohio, there were about five thousand residents living there when my parents moved there in 1990, and when my mom and siblings and I left in 2005, enough people had left that the town had to be downgraded from city to village status. So you get the picture, we are talking SMALL. Everyone knows everyone, as well as everyone's business is discussed on a daily basis, everywhere. You don't have to go to a hair salon to hear about Amanda getting knocked up and what does her mother Sally think? And oh that poor girl, her future is gone now. No, you will hear about it AT THE GROCERY STORE.

As you can imagine, I didn't get much exposure to the big, bad world living in a small town like this.

Skipping ahead...

I'm new to the city, about three months in, and I've just been lucky enough to meet a man on the subway who tells me about the Covenant House, I go there and they accept me. Mind you, that to me the city is a big, scary place to me at this point and I still have my small town manners and trust about me. Going around saying things like "Good Morning" and "How are you, today?" and "Hello!" And just leaving my few personal items about, trusting that no one would abscond with them.

The Covenant House is in Midtown on 8th Avenue, and one avenue over, on 9th there was an adult shelter, I would walk by there and always see crowds of people outside. I didn't know at the time, but I later found out through gossip in the House that Pimps picked up their Working Girls in that area.

I was walking by there one day and I met a guy, he was a bit older than me, but I didn't mind that. I was just happy that someone was paying some kind of attention to me, fresh off my mother abandonment shenanigan.
I saw him a few times, and we talked on the phone, and he bought me a few things, which I was surprised by and it completely won me over.

One day he invited me to take a ride with him in his car. It was a white Range Rover. So fancy, I thought.

We end up at a hotel. And I started to get nervous. I didn't think to ask where we were going.

I was so nervous that I didn't say anything when he got the room.

We go in, and continue to talk, I turn on the TV. He sits next to me and I said something like "Isn't this show funny? I love this show."

The guy starts getting impatient and I don't exactly remember all of what happened next but I remember him yelling at me and saying "What do you think I bought you those things for?!?!"

It was at that moment that I realized that he wanted me to sleep with him.

I had no idea before that, I was that naive.

He yelled a lot and finally left the room. And then I went up to the front desk and was instantly in tears. They were so nice and they offered me another room for the night, but I just wanted to go "home" back to the Covenant House. So I did.

That's the story, dear readers. Moral of the story is. Don't kick your daughters out of the house, unless you teach them street smarts first.

how I feel about clubs

Thanks for explaining it so well, Ryan.

my morbid brain

I'm listening to National Public Radio right now and the announcer, radio guy, radio dj, what do you call them? Well, whatever he is, he just commented on the weather. He said "It is going to be uh... uh...kind of... traditional summer weather."

Readers, I have been meaning to comment on this for some time. Do you know that when the radio guy did those pregnant pauses my brain instantly thought "OH GOD, A TORNADO IS COMING, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!" and then he said "traditional summer weather" and I felt silly.

thanks, brain.


I have come to the conclusion that some people have more of a happy natural chemical cocktail in their brains. My brain has always been more morbid than most.

For example, I was out at Starbucks with my friend Matt the other day, Matt's blog here, and we were discussing his family, and he told me that his sister was married to a surgeon. To which I exclaimed:

"A surgeon? My god, why would you want to be married to someone who knows exactly where to cut you to make you bleed out?"

Matt laughed and said "Well, you gotta look at it positively, he also knows how to save her."

"Wow, I never would have thought about it that way."

thanks, brain.


Upon doing some introspection, which is one of my favorite things to do, I have decided that I am going to make an active effort to shift my thought patterns into the more positive realm. I think this will do me a world of good and also it will probably help me to be less rigid.

shoo fly, don't bother me.

I really love summer.

but there is one thing about it that I DEFINITELY hate.

houseflies.


Oh sure, you put up screens in all the windows, but the more robust and determined flies always find a way in.

they. always. find. a. way. in.


And then do you know what they do?

They fly around my head!

incessantly. 


I didn't think my dandruff was that bad.

yes, it is.


Okay, it is.

In fact, I think my dandruff is so bad, that the flies prefer it to my guinea pigs freshly laid poops.

This just in:

I have no idea if houseflies are even attracted to dandruff.


Switching gears.

The job hunt continues.

Unfortunately.


Thursday I had an interview at the most prestigious temp agency here in town, where I was made to take tests like, figuring out which words are spelled incorrectly, multiplication, subtraction, division, and addition.

I do hope I remembered to carry the one.


The nice lady said she double checked, but she didn't have any job openings for me, and to give her a call in a week, and that they would check my references.

I trust they'll say nice things about me. I have to put on my to do list to send them a nice fruit basket.


This Monday I'm going downtown again to see if they need any artist models at an art center downtown.

Naturally, if all else fails I can always get naked.

Me Live at GOTHAM June 15, 2011

on performing comedy

I went to an open mic night tonight. I had a really great time. I killed it. And I got two invitations to other shows in the area. I am so proud of myself right now. And one invitation, the guy says to me I have an open invitation to perform there every week and I can tell him how long I want my set to be. THAT IS SO FUCKING EXCITING!!! Yes!!

At this rate, I'll be a working comic sooner than later.

BOOM!

on why job hunting is something I could do without.

I took a walk downtown today, to drop off my resume at a shop.

When I got close by, a guy standing on the corner said:

"Are you looking for something?"

"Yeah, I'm looking for 'Puffs' Do you know were that is?"

"Yeah, it's right down here, I'll walk you there"

shit. what did I just do? this guy just invited himself to walk with me. fuck. shit. damn.


"OK..sure.."

We get to the store, the guy orders whatever he's looking for, and I look around the store, browsing. The whole place reeked of nicotine, and as a non smoker, I obviously felt like I didn't belong.

a job is a job.


"Are you looking for something?" An older lady in lounge wear said to me. She was holding a plastic bag, one hand inside of it and one out, by her side. She was standing next to the counter, across from one of the employees.

"No, I just came down here because I saw your ad in the Treasure Hunt and I'd like to drop of my resume"

"Oh, ok" She took my resume from me and glanced at it.

"You don't have any experience in cigarette or lottery sales, do you?"

"No, I don't..."

I actually do. Six years ago I worked at a gas station in Portland, Oregon. I sold both cigarettes and lottery tickets there. Neither of which are that fricken hard to sell. Give me a break, lady.


"Well, that's what I'm looking for." She said, and handed me back my resume.

"Okay, well, it doesn't hurt to come down and check things out." I said.

I turned and walked towards the door. The guy instantly appeared next to me.

"Let me walk you out." he said.

Get. Away. From. Me. Jesusfuckingchrist.


We walk out of the store, and we both turn right.

Stop following me.


"It is hot out, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but I spend most of my time in air conditioning if I can"

I know. Why do I keep answering him back? I just feel so awkward in these situations. Not responding and walking with a complete stranger is worse, I think. At least if you're engaged in conversation, you get more of a sense of how to extricate yourself.


"Oh, I can't be in air conditioning. It's bad for my health, I have all these back problems, I mean, if it gets to be 120 degrees, then maybe I'll turn it on, but usually I just use fans."

"Ok."

Why would you tell a complete stranger about your back problems? Honestly.


"Would you like to hang out sometime?"

"No... I don't think so"

"Ok, well, It was nice to meet you, I'll see you around."

Then he walked away. Thank god.

to walk or not to walk.

me: how come you're in a wheelchair?

him: because i have cp (cerebral palsy)

me: oh wow, me too

him: but you can walk, right?

me: yes, i can walk, don't rub it in my face. sheesh!

him: sorry. i'm happy for you that you can walk.


I CANNOT WIN!

rummage sale

i went to a rummage sale today with Natalie and mom. i usually don't like going to rummage sales because you have to look through piles and piles of clothing to find something that you may be interested in purchasing. Natalie and mom are really into them though. As soon as we got there and opened the door, they both exclaimed "Shoes!" simultaneously.

My feet are size 10 so I rarely if ever have any luck finding second hand shoes for myself. In fact, I don't think I have ever bought a pair of shoes that were second hand since I was a kid.

Luckily for me, the venue was also selling things to eat and drink so I got a hot dog with relish and mustard and some potato chips and a root beer. I walked back over to the tables that Natalie and mom were rummaging through - scarfing down my hot dog on the way - and I ran into my aunt, who also loves rummage sales. I asked her if she wanted any chips, she said no and then she reprimanded me for having a plate of chips in my hand, said I would need two hands for rummaging.

And then Natalie said the exact same thing to me.

I ended up getting into it late in the game and I found some tops that I liked and mom found a few pairs of pants for me, so all in all it was a pretty fun expedition.

I've been working on my comedy set the last few days and I'm really excited to get back out on stage. The show is a couple of weeks away, and I know that will fly by, and this time I will be more prepared because I am planning on going to a couple of different open mics and fine tuning the set before the show.

A Conversation Between Ga and Conka

Ga and Conka are my maternal grandmother and grandfather respectively. They have the amazing luxury to still be living in their home and have four of their six children who all live in the area take turns taking care of them. Sunday is usually my mom's day to go down to their house for a day, but this past Sunday Natalie and I went down instead.

Conka is hungry all the time and he says things like "Mela?"

"Yeah?"

"If you're getting something to eat, I'll have some of whatever you are getting."

That's normally the nice way he puts it, but he has said "I am so hungry, I could just starve to death. Can't anyone get me anything to eat?"

He didn't like anything I gave him to eat, So good thing Natalie was with me to make the food he would eat. Uncle Tony was there as well, and Tony and Natalie are both quite good at cooking.

Natalie and I were in the kitchen and Ga said to Conka:

"Are you sorry you married me?"

"What, dear? I can't hear you."

"Are you sorry you married me?"

"What?"

"Are you sorry you married me?"

"Don't be silly, you're the tops, you're the best..."

Ga giggles.

This guy could do my make up better than I can.

are you kidding me with that leg extension?

you gotta know your limits with a boombox

gym

i signed up for a gym membership. natalie is my gym buddy. we went swimming today. i was really out of breath, and i only got through five laps, but then we got to go to jacuzzi and the sauna. i always feel really good when i work out regularly, and the couple of times that i had a personal trainer were truly awesome, i had so much energy and my insomnia was pretty much under control. my sleep has improved just from the little time that i have been going to the gym. i know, know (why are you up at 2 am, then?) baby steps, people!

natalie is leaving to go teach english for a year soon though so i will loose my gym buddy. i have to find a way to keep myself motivated without springing for a personal trainer before I can afford one.

i've been mustering up the courage to get my driver's license back. when i moved to nyc i let it expire and i got a regular state id and it's been expired for a little over four years. i'm not such a fan of driving because i have field of vision difficulties, but then i talked to a lady who has one glass eye and she encouraged me to go for it, it was an inspiring conversation.

one trouble is that since my license has been expired for more than six months, i have to pretty much start from square one. i have to go get a permit again and take the road test and the written test again. the good thing is that i don't think i need to log 50 hours of driving experience in this time around.

going to the temp agency soon. gonna see if they have any temp jobs open. it would be ideal if i had driver's license, so i could be all "yeah, i have no problem getting there" there is a bus service here, but like most places that are not nyc, it's unreliable and limited.

i would really rather not have to get a job, i would rather be a comedian and make money that way, or some form of art expression, natalie and i drew charcoal drawings of each other today and it was really fun. but of course everyone knows the reality of the situation, if i like to eat, i should probably have money to buy sustinence.

one of my favorite friends didn't text me about weather or not they were going to the pocanos for a day. grrr. just fyi, if you went on this gorgeous day without me, you got some splainin' to do!

going to comedy open mic night sunday, i haven't decided yet if i wanna perform or just watch.

maria bamford rules.

Who am I to disagree?

The other day I was having a conversation with my sister and she said "Don't you want to wax your eyebrows and your lip and get your hair trimmed and style your hair and wear make up? Getting jobs will be easier if you do."

No, I don't. I really don't have any interest in these things. I've gotten my eyebrows waxed before, sure, but I've never implemented a routine in which they were consistently waxed.

I could stand to make a few tweaks in my hygiene regimen. I could cut my nails more regularly, shave my legs more often, get my hair trimmed and shaped. It seems I only doll myself up at the request of whoever I may be dating, and I even do that with reluctance, which is probably a contributing factor as to why I haven't had a romantic relationship make it past the two year mark.

Picture me in the bathroom wrestling with the eyelash curler, eye liner, mascara, blush, toner, foundation, etc. I've done it before. I'm lucky I made it out with my eyeballs intact.

One thing I do want to do is get some new shoes and new clothing. I haven't been shopping in quite a while and my wardrobe needs a desperate overhaul. My jeans are all tattered, my shoes are worn out, most of my shirts have been washed so many times they're all really ill fitting. And I don't own any business clothing. This is certainly a good thing to add should I ever want to convey an interest in making it past the interview stage.

My sister also has been suggesting to me that I dye my hair, as I've started going gray. But this again involves a regimen and a routine that I know I have no interest in keeping up.

There are so many commercials on t.v. these days that are designed to make you feel bad about yourself. Of course especially attached to aging and how it should be avoided at all costs. We value youth and beauty in this country and we idolize celebrities. A lot of people don't seem to realize, or fail to understand that each celebrity has a TEAM of people working on his or her image. Including but not limited to: make up artist, wardrobe stylist, personal trainer, plastic surgeon, hair stylist, publicist, personal assistant, nutritionist, personal chef, picture retoucher... need i go on?

The point is the pictures and commercials we see and filter into our brains are well produced, glossy, well lit etc. all designed to make you want what's there.

HELLO IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! IT'S ALL IMPOSSIBLE!!

Sigh.

A Blog Abandoned Collects Dust

Hello internet, it's been forever, how have you been?
I haven't updated in over six months. I know, I know, you're all "Where have you been? You just stopped updating your blog! Vanished! You didn't call, you certainly didn't write, you just left and now you're back all nonchalant, just opening up your browser window and being all "Hey, what's up internet, how you doing blog, feel like being written in today?"

My apologies, blog. I do hope you'll forgive me.

So.

I'm not engaged anymore.

Yeah, I didn't really know how to ease into that one so I just put it out there.

In the interest of not putting ALL my relationship troubles out onto my public blog, I'll keep this one short.

It didn't work out between us. It's sad. I wish it could have. We remain friends. I mean, I've known the guy for nearly ten years. We had many great times together, filled with laughter and exploration, but, I just forgot that in the six years that we didn't speak to each other, my frontal lobe finished developing inside my head, and I grew and changed, and, alas *sniffle* am not the same person I used to be.

I wanted the memory of us back, but it will just have to stay a memory.

I have really been doing my best to hide out from the world lately. This happens to me - as I'm sure it does to many others - I let my insecurities get the best of me and I close myself off. I mean, I love comedy, I really enjoy performing, but, at least not right now - performing comedy doesn't equal food in my belly and roof over my head. I also let the naysayers get under my skin. "Don't say that in your act, don't be so mean to yourself, you shouldn't make fun of your cerebral palsy."

I know, you can never please everyone, and you should not let what people say stop you from doing what you love to do, but sometimes people can be so mean, and those mean words stick in my head long after I hear them, replaying over and over, and over...


The conclusion I have come to is that weather you like or don't like me or what I do in my comedy act, you still took the time to form an opinion about it, and voice it, and that translates into future ticket sales and all the apple pie I can eat!