Stalkers.

Yesterday, when I was on my way to a diner downtown to meet up with a friend, I got a text from an unknown number that read:

"Hi Mela. How are you?"

"Hi. Who is this?"

"This is Sammy from okcupid"

"From how long ago?"

Sammy: "Remember me?"

Sammy: "I don't know :)"

Me: "I don't remember you, sorry"

Sammy: "You don't wanna talk?"

- four minutes pass with no response -

Sammy: "?"

Me: "On the train"

Sammy: "Can you call me later?"

Me: "Who are you, though? How long ago did we talk on okcupid?"

Sammy: "I really don't know. And also we never talked on the phone before, I got your number when I was checking my contact list"

- three minutes pass -

Sammy: "You wanna know each other?"

- three minutes pass -

Sammy: "No?"

Me: "I don't effing know who you are!"

Sammy: "You wanna know me better?"

- eight minutes pass -

During this time, I met up with my friend and we walked to the diner together and I started filling him in on the Sammy situation. I asked him if he would like to respond to Sammy and he giggled and reached for my phone.

Sammy: "Yes?"

Friend as me: "Hey Sammy-seriously, are you high? Wake up from a coma? On the end of a crack bender? Who the fuck does this? Are you that hard up to get laid? Call a PRO!"

- six minutes pass -

Sammy: "No. I know you from okcupid your nickname is melaniose there. And I wanna meet with you in person."

Friend as me: "Well, in that event, I suggest you get a big bag of crack and call a fucking hooker. Leave me alone. I have no fucking interest in meeting your dumb ass."

Sammy: "I meant for a coffee or something"

Sammy: "Why did you give me your number before?"

Friend as me: "Dude. I have no idea, neither do you. So let's just agree that we are NEVER EVER EVER GOING TO MEET! Lose my number. I will look up some hookers when I get home."

-one hour passes -

Sammy: "Any hookers?"

Friend as me: "Yes. Do you prefer trans-sexual hookers? Do you mind if they don't look like a man but you may be surprised? I don't know any personally, but you need to get laid."

End.

Then, I got a text from a guy who has been texting and calling me, to no response, periodically ever since our first and only date in January. I told him I was not interested in a second date but he persisted, even calling me from a private number.

He sent a text on April 9th that read:

"Hey u i hope ur well want to hang for a drink"

I was relieved when I didn't hear from him but low and behold, yesterday while at the diner with my friend he sent:

"How are u stranger hope all is good with u"

Friend as me: "Patrick. The reason you refer to me as stranger is because I don't want to know you. You aren't for me. Take a hint. If you need to get laid, call a hooker."

The end.

Grr. Grr? Grr!

I went to pick up the DVD of my April 19th Comedy show yesterday and this is what happened:

"Hi, I'm here to pick up my DVD"

"Sure! What's your name, when did you perform?"

"Eloise, April 19th"

"Ok, hmm, it's not in here, let me call the manager, just sit over there and he'll be out in a few minutes"

I sat down on a plush couch that she directed me to by the door she said the manager would come to.

"Eloise?"

"Yes"

"Did you fill out a release form?"

"Yes, I did"

"Did you pay for your DVD?"

"No. I had over 15 people here and Andy told me I would get it for free"

"Did you give it to a manager to sign off on?"

"I gave it to Andy" (the guy who booked the show)

"Oh, well a manager never got it so you'll need to fill out a new one"

"Can I do that now?"

"Yes. Sorry about the wait."

I start filling a second release form. A guy that looks like a comedian I had seen perform on Comedy Central before is in the lobby as well and he asked me how I was doing. I told him crappy and held up the release form and said "I have to fill out one of these AGAIN"

I filled out the form and the manager signed off on it and he told me it was paid for and that he would put a rush order on the DVD and to call the box office tomorrow evening because there is a chance that it will be ready then.

Grr! I hate waiting!

On being addictive

Omg, a new company moved into my building, and the name of it is "mela". With an accent and everything....

So, how are you? Sorry I didn't get back to your last text!




--


Hi,

It's good, (surprising) to hear from you. That's interesting about the company with my name. What do they sell, apples? I figured out how to put the accent in my name in on the emails that I write on my Mac, I felt quite accomplished when I did that (not really), but it's cool nonetheless. 

I start substance abuse counseling training on May 18th, the funding finally came through, I'm getting everything paid for, including the books, which is freaking awesome and I am excited to start, it's five months of training and then an internship after that for 3 to six months and then I can get a job where I will have to report to a supervisor for three years. It sounds like an arduous process right now, but I am excited to learn to have the tools to effectively improve lives. 

I have done three comedy shows so far. I am having a blast doing them. Tomorrow I am going to pick up the DVD of my latest set. My mom came to that show (including 16 of my other friends and a few friends of friends) so because of that, I don't have to pay for the DVD. I am excited to post it to facebook and youtube. So far the next show I have booked is in the third week in June, but I will definitely book more before that, you and your girlfriend always have a standing invitation to come out and have some laughs.

My brother started hiking the Appalachian Trail on April 16, he hopes to hike the whole thing by the end of August. I couldn't be prouder of him for taking it on.

How are you?

Méla

__

I'm glad to hear all is well! I hope my actions didn't hurt you as much as I think they did. I was hurt, but had to get over it quickly.

You're the hottest gal I have ever been w though. Yowza!

All the best!

__

Hey, I am with my friend at her loft in Brooklyn right now, I will answer your initial email after I leave here. I have a few things to come clean about.

-

Just wanted to say that you didn't hurt me. I was hungry for an emotional connection when we met, having broken up with (anonymous). He and I were friends before we dated and I never really, truly, deeply loved him, so when we ended, it was easy for me to move onto you.

I did not expect to be as physically attracted to you as I was, so that fueled my attachment to you.

In reality, I do not think we were compatible and I frankly never knew how to communicate with you.

__

I know I know - you are so above me....

When your hungry you'll eat scraps.

Blow me

__

No no no that's not what I am saying at all. I wasn't expexting you or the love that I had and still have for you. I thought I was just going to use you and move on, but you held my attention and got under my skin immediately so I didn't know how to act.

I wasn't prepared for you at all.

__

Well I wasn't prepared for how supple and soft the inside of your sweet ass was, but it was.

I touch myself and think of you mela.

It's ridiculous.

-

And I would like nothing more than to purr "good little girl" into your ear whil stretching your ass out.

OMFG

__

I am confused.

__

Don't be. I have never been as turned on as when we were naked together

__

Um. What is your motivation for telling me this? Don't you have a girlfriend?

__

I do. But I just wanna let you know it's been tough.

__

I don't have any sympathy for you. You broke up with me, did you forget that? Christ, man.

__

It would never work between us. I'm super jealous of whoever you have in your life.

Send dirty pictures to: - undisclosed email address - :)

__

I refuse to disrespect your girlfriend. Please do not contact me if you are going to request that I compromise my morals. It shows me how little I meant to you.

__

I'm really just playing with ideas. Not looking to follow through. Just feeeling frisky is all. You're healthy, right?

-

What if my gf wants u to join in?

__

Go to hell

__

What?

__

if your girlfriend wanted me to join in - and i highly doubt she does - but IF she did, then I don't have respect for her. Any woman who would willingly let her boyfriend be intimate with someone he was previously intimate with is fucking retarded.

And you would be manipulating her into a situation she would most certainly regret if you asked that of her. 

And I would not have any respect for myself if I said yes to this hypothetical situation. 

I don't think you have any idea who I am, I don't think you have any respect for me, I think you are a selfish, self absorbed asshole who only thinks of himself and his needs. 

__

Take a joke serious mela pants! Holy cow!

__

This is what I mean by me not knowing how to communicate with you. I take things too literally and I don't understand the context of a lot of what you say.

__

I know, sorry for the confusion.

The End.

Crunch

Earlier this evening, I was standing outside of my friend's apartment building with my date, waiting for him to finish his cigarette so we could go up to the housewarming/birthday party my friend was having. My friend and I were chatting with our backs to the street. Suddenly there was a loud crunching noise coming from behind us, I turned around, started giggling, put my hand to my mouth and said "oh my".

Whilst trying to extricate him or herself from the parking spot behind us, a car got itself involved in a tiny fender bender with the car parked behind it. There was a Mercedes parked in front of it, and there was a tense, nail biting moment between my friend and me wherein we were terribly afraid for the integrity of the said Mercedes' bumper. Luckily, the Mercedes escaped injury and the car drove off.

We chortled that if that incident had happened in the Midwest (where we are both originally from) that the offending bumper scraper would have totally gotten out of their car and left a note on the victimized cars' windshield.



Not so in New York, my friends. Not so.

Just a regular old update

I did my comedy set on Monday and I had a really great time, and I got a lot of positive feedback. Around 16 of my friends came out to see me perform (thank you!!) and because of that, I do not have to pay a fee for the dvd of my performance, which will be ready either tomorrow or on Monday. I am excited to post it to YouTube and to Facebook!

I am so glad that my friend Kenya suggested that I pick up a little memo pad so that I can carry it around and jot down jokes as they come to me. It has been really helpful. I have to figure out where I am going to book my next show. It would probably also be helpful for me to go out to a lot of open mic nights and just do one set over and over so that I can develop my rhythm. 

I spoke to my little brother on the phone yesterday. He is hiking the Appalachian Trail. He sounded exhausted and happy and he said he is meeting and hiking with a lot of interesting people. He hopes to finish the Trail in August but he said it could be as late as October. I miss him bunches.

I spoke to my sister also recently and she is doing well in Africa, she got to  take a trip to Durban to go to the beach and do some shopping. She said she really enjoyed the trip. I noticed that her English vocabulary is not as good as it used to be, but she is now fluent in Sesotho, which is the native language in Lesotho.

Also, I got clearance to begin my Substance Abuse counseling training and I will begin on May 18th! Yay! And I had an interview today at a place I used to work for. They're getting back to me tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Nervous

I am really, extremely nervous about my show tomorrow. I have my set all bullet pointed out and I have practiced it. I guess one can never do enough practicing, can one?

I just got back from a friend's potluck birthday party. I had a fun time, I made lasagna with homemade sauce. I covered it with foil, carried it to the subway, rode the subway four stops, got off the subway, walked two blocks, got to the apartment building, rang the bell, got buzzed in, walked up three flights of stairs, invited myself in the ajar apartment door, said hello to my birthday girl friend, who happened to be the only person at the party I knew, announced that I had brought lasagna with homemade sauce, plunked it down on the kitchen table, and gleefully watched it get devoured.

Nice rundown, eh?

All the people there were interesting and friendly, there was a guy there who had written a couple of books that he had recently published, a robot consultant, a ship's engine engineer, and lots of people who are in grad school.

Okay, time to go do some laundry, so I can decide what I am wearing to the show tomorrow. Wish me luck!!

On being the common denominator

Ok so.

I really feel like whining right now about how much I don't understand boys and that I think I might die alone with a bunch of cats, but whining is not going to do me any good.

Sigh.

Comedy!

I'm doing my second comedy show on April 19th!! Exciting!

Street TMI

Girl: I can't believe I wore this jacket today

Guy: I know, you should look outside when you get dressed, it's like 75 degrees today

Girl: I know, but it was colder yesterday than I thought it would be

Guy: Yeah, we also spent all yesterday having sex

Girl: This is true

Sandy Hook

This morning my brother Arlo and his girlfriend Lauren picked me up at my apartment and we headed out to the beach at Sandy Hook. It seemed like it would be a nice day at the beach in the city because it was near seventy degrees.

We had nice conversation and listened to some tunes on the drive out there, and Arlo and Lauren planned to park the car at a different parking lot than then one provided by the beach because they ususally charge ten dollars to park there. Well, when we got to the gates there was a sign next to parking that said "no fee" and Arlo squealed with delight as he drove on through.

As we were driving to the beach there was a healthy amount of fog in the sky and Arlo decided to excitedly inform me of this fact. I had been dozing on and off during the car ride (and I am still really tired today, and I don't know why) and he scared the living bejesus out of me.

And Lauren commented "everytime you shriek like that, I think we are going to crash"

We got to the parking lot and parked, opened the doors and big wooshes of wind came crashing down against the car. I immediately shut my door and said "I'm not getting out. Let's just go get some lunch."

Arlo and Lauren thankfully agreed and we drove to this place called the Inlet Cafe which really wasn't a cafe at all, because it had really awesome food. I got some chicken quesadilla's which were really yummy.

After lunch we went for round two to try to go to the beach and I again refused to get out after parking. Arlo and Lauren were only gone for about half an hour anyway.

We drove back to Pennsylvania and on the way we stopped at an old family friend's house to suprise them. We pulled up into the driveway and were really quiet and we all decided to just go jump on their trampoline to see if they noticed. Well, the didn't and after about ten minutes I decided to go in and say hi.

Then Arlo, Lauren and Jesse dropped me off at my mom's and then they went biking.

It was a good day.

On talking to an ex about his new lady love

I am friends with most of my ex's and I am very proud of this accomplishment. I think it's a testament to how well adjusted and mature that I am.

I am currently chatting with an ex that I dated when I was 20 and 21 about a girl he his currently seeing. On Wednesday, we chatted about the same lady and he let it slip that she is 18. EIGHTEEN!! She's a baby! He's 26, by the way. I told him I did not think it was a good idea at all, because eighteen year olds have no idea what they are doing with their lives. He's all joking around and saying that he is going to get her a fake ID and lie to his mom about her age. I told him that he's going to get punched in the face by her dad and tasered by campus security at the college she goes to.

I mean, I happen to think that there is a huge development phase that goes on between 18 and 20 and that young people are MUCH, MUCH more mature at 20 than they are at 18. He says that she is more mature that he is, and at this point, I am inclined to believe him. At the end of the day, he is going to do what he wants I just have a terrible feeling that this is going to go horribly awry.

Today he is being hilarious and I have to share with you a few of the highlights of our conversation:

"so every time i take this girl out to dinner, she orders a cup of soup, and doesn't even finish it

shes really cheap to feed"

 "last night we went dinner, i pounded 4 beers and a burrito, and she had soup"

 "i figured they would ID me cause i was with her but they didn't"

Too fucking funny.

A Trio of Drunks

I was riding the 1 train home from midtown yesterday eve and it was a very uneventful ride.

Until...

well, until we got to Columbus Circle and the doors opened and the conductor said "this stop is Columbus Circle, the next stop is 66th street, Lincoln Center, please stand clear of the closing doors"

Usually this announcement goes off without a hitch, but this time, right when the conductor was smack in the middle of saying the word "doors" and the 'ding dong' had gone off to signal the doors closing, I hear a woman shrieking to her friend to get on the train. And then she runs into the train and throws her weight into the closing doors so her other friend can catch the train.

All three of them stumble around the car and finally land into a double seat and the woman sits on one of the men. It is immediately obvious to me that the three of them are all extremely wasted and my train ride has instantaneously become hilarious. Also of note is the fact that all three of them had to be at least in their early 50's.

Talk about party all the time, eh?

I couldn't understand any of the babble that was coming out of any of their mouths, I can only comment that they were all talking very loudly and didn't seem to realize this.  The people sitting across from them were desperately trying to avoid eye contact so they wouldn't get caught up in any psychobabble.

Also because I think everyone was a bit on edge because a couple of days ago two men got stabbed to death on christopher street because one of them accidently hit some crazy guy who had a knife with some trash.

Honestly, who goes on a train with a god damn knife?