reading james joyce is exhausting

"i think you're great, i think you're grand and i don't mind if you hold my hand" Sarah Vaughan - Don't look at me that way

last night, one of my friends asked me: "so, you getting any tonight?"

me: "no, definitely not getting any tonight"

friend: "aw, that's too bad"

me: "I'll just snuggle my teddy bear"

friend: :(

as you know people, i am currently single, and my teddy bear is getting a lot of snuggles. and i've been thinking lately, as i often do, about myself and they way i think (naturally).

for instance, i used to be totally cool with casual interludes. in fact, i preferred them, sought them out. didn't even matter if said partner in interlude had a girlfriend or a wife. it didn't even matter if i had a boyfriend or a husband. (i've never been married)

then, i realized i didn't want to be responsible for the emotional breakdown of said partner in interlude's current life partner, or the emotional breakdown of my current life partner so i stopped seeking out attached men, and only - to my knowledge - sought out fellow singletons.

this is because i was severely emotionally unavailable, but i told myself it was because i liked mystery.

and then, i don't know what happened. i'll have to do more pondering on this, but i stopped enjoying the mystery.

i became more emotionally available, and i listened to myself and now i'm in a spot where casual interludes don't appeal to me. it's strange though because i used to thrive on them. i actually did make sunday plans with a fellow interluder, but i cancelled it, i just can't go through with it.

as i made it clear at the beginning of this entry, i am single. even though i've lost interest in casually interluding, i also still think relationships are exhausting, much like reading james joyce is exhausting. so i'm confusing everyone, culminating in me experiencing men i'm interested in telling me they "just want to be friends" after we have awkward sex.

seems fitting, doesn't it?

and so it goes...